Making the choice to have a surgery that could help you lead a relatively normal life is easy... Until you consider the risks... Until you consider the consequences...
Sure, I want the surgery so that I can climb stairs, exercise, concentrate in school or work, sleep at night, and get up off the floor without help. And I'm even willing to accept the possibility of an amputation. However, the uncertainty as to what risks I am going to encounter is a little frightening - I don't know how long the replacement will last, whether a difficult and painful revision will be required, whether I will have to battle infections, etc.
Worse, however, is the immediate consequences of the surgery. I know that I will have to stay in the hospital for several days, that I am facing months of difficult recovery, that I will have to go through painful physicial therapy, and that I will be dependent on family and friends for a period of time. At this point, I am at the end of my rope and I want this surgery, I need this surgery. I have decided to go through with it, but I need to figure out when will work. My conviction to have the surgery does not mean I am looking forward to the risks and consequences. I have endured painful physicial therapy before and I know what I'm in for. That alone is scary! But all I can do is hope that the risks and consequences will be worth it in the end.
In the end, my decision came down to the fact that almost all of the risks and all of the consequences would still be present in the future when I would have the operation. I do not believe I would make it much past 40 before I broke down and had to do the surgery and I'm not even sure how I would make it that far. Some days I just want to give up and some days I don't know how I keep moving... So, anyway, even if I made it to 40, I'd probably need a revision in my lifetime and I would be subject to the risk of injection. Moreover, the older I get, the higher the risk for the other "general" surgery risks. Plus, sad as this sounds, with my bum knee, I'm unable to exercise and therefore have difficulty managing my weight. If I had to weight until age 40, I'm sure my weight would be further out of control which lowers the success of the surgery and increases risk factors. I just don't see any benefit to waiting any longer...
I have come up with a pile of questions for Dr. M and will be emailing me to find out details about the procedure and what to expect. My next step is to meet with the Dean at the law school to try to reschedule my final exams - I have a winter break from mid-December to early-January and Dr. M believes if I have the surgery as soon as possible on my break that I can go back to school on-time with the same level of pain I currently am experiencing. However, I'm not certain how easy it will be to get the Dean and my professors to change the date and time of my exams. Hopefully they will be understanding! Wish me luck!
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